Feelings....Nothing More Than Feelings...

It's hard for me to articulate my feelings, sometimes. It really is. I try to be happy...yet, I feel like I don't deserve happiness. That's something I struggled with for years. When I was a kid, everytime I was beginning to feel like I was liked, belonged, etc...someone shot me down. It's like, on the playground, someone will walk up and tell you that so-and-so said something bad about you, then people will gather around and watch while you cry. It kind of becomes an Olympic sport, after awhile.

Now, I am not trying to make excuses for how I am. I know that I HAVE to learn to accept and love myself. I am who I am...and I wouldn't have it any other way. I am just trying to make sense of the reasons that I deal with things.

Trust. Is that a ten-cent word, nowadays? People say "I trust in the Lord" like they say "Hi." But what does that really mean? To place your trust in the Lord is to put everything, EVERYTHING, in His hands. Your life, your decisions...all of it. I know at times I struggle with that as well. Make that all the time.

Same with the people I love. It appalls me how few people I truly trust. I could count the number on one of my hands. Or maybe both hands. I love many people dearly. But there are very, VERY few that I truly trust.

Men. Why do good-hearted, sweet guys always comment about not having a girlfriend? And why do said sweet guys get so wrapped up in their perception that they don't notice the girl who will say something to them, then blush and duck away because they want to get to know the guy better but is too scared to say anything to them? Why do those guys get so obsessed with finding a hot girl that they will ignore the modestly hot girls like myself that will make them happier than any carnal hotness could? Why do these guys not notice what is right under their noses?

Sorry...I went on a rampage there. But you know what I mean?